Darling Confectionettes!

Fear not, TWC will return in 2011.

Or maybe you should be fearful, actually, because TWC WILL RETURN IN 2011!!! BWAHAHAHAH.

*ahem*

Ciao til then!
TWC

Cheesecake Bites (assuming you take REALLY big bites)

Okay, not really bites. Cupcakes that don't puff up? Cookie-like cheesecakes? Something like that.

Also, I forgot to take pictures. :(

Here's the original recipe:

• FOR THE CRUST:
• 2 cups Graham Cracker Crumbs
• 1 stick Butter, Melted
• 3 Tablespoons White Sugar
• _____
• FOR THE FILLING:
• 4 packages Full-fat Cream Cheese, Softened At Room Temperature (8 Ounce Packages)
• 3 Tablespoons All-purpose Flour
• 1-½ cup White Sugar
• 1 whole Lemon, Zested (optional)
• 4 whole Large Eggs
• ½ cups Milk
• 8 ounces, weight Full-fat Sour Cream
• ½ Tablespoons Vanilla Extract

This recipe claims to serve 18, but I made 18 cupcake-things AND a small cheesecake (broke in my *new* Springform pan HUZZAH) easy. So maybe it serves 18 fat people. Or maybe you should tweak the recipe yourself because I kind of messed it up beyond belief, anyway.

OKAY SO HERE'S HOW YOU DO IT:
(with notes on how I did it in orange.)

Preheat oven to 350 F. Grease the sides and bottom of a 9″ Springform pan well with shortening. Don't bother preheating until you're done with the crust, don't bother greasing a Springform pan but DO get out some cupcake trays and stick the holders in. Then, later, realize you have A HUGE AMOUNT OF CAKE OMG and hurriedly grease a 6" Springform pan because SURPRISE that's all ya got.

For the crust:
In a medium bowl, mix the graham cracker crumbs with the melted butter and sugar. Press the mixture into the bottom and up the sides of your prepared pan. Now put your pan, uncovered, into the freezer while you’re making the filling. Crush the graham crackers in a baggie with a rolling pan. Spill crumbs everywhere. Curse like a sailor. Repeat. Microwave a stick of butter. Accidentally spill boiling butter all over your potholders and the table. Curse like a sailor. Repeat.

For the filling:
In a large bowl, using an electric mixer, cream the cheese until it’s nice and smooth. You don’t want to have any lumps. Completely ignore the instructions about "room-temperature" cream cheese. Curse at the mixer when the 32 oz of cream cheese all stick to the mixer at once. Turn the mixer off, scrape it down and shudder because EW cream cheese is GROSS.

It’s best to whisk your flour and sugar together first, to prevent any lumps when they’re added to the cream cheese. I totally didn't. Pour them into the cream cheese and mix. Make sure to scrape down the sides of the bowl, add lemon zest, I didn't do this, either. and continue to mix. Make sure you don't mix up the measurements on the flour & sugar and accidentally put in 1 1/2 cups of flour and 3 tbsp of sugar because that would be BAD. Right, kids?? RIGHT. *ahem hem* Also, if there is so much flour that you have to hand-knead the dough to incorporate it, YOU MAY HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG FYI.

Mix in the eggs, one at a time, or all at once mixing on low just enough to incorporate. Do not over mix! It's a bomb. If you overmix we are all DOOMED. Also, realize that your filling is extremely lumpy and gross. And then The Mother takes a fingerful and goes "ew," and The Mother LOVES this shit. So re-look at the recipe and go OH FFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU okay don't panic... add 6 tbsp & 1/2 cup of sugar. Blend.

Blend in milk, sour cream, and vanilla extract. Again, do not over mix. Just mix until you get a smooth consistency. Yep yep yep.

Pour filling into prepared crusts and bake.

Baking:
Stick your cupcake tins pan into the preheated oven, turn down the temperature to 250F, and bake for an hour and a half 45 min. The center should still wobble a little. It shouldn’t be pure liquid or completely set. It will be almost completely set. Once it’s done baking, turn the oven off and let it sit on top of the oven for about 30 min for at least an hour (more if you have the time). After about an hour or so, I open the oven door and let it sit for a few more hours. Then stick em in the fridge until you have to run out the door. Share! They are quite good and very rich.

(Recipe found at Tasty Kitchen.)

<3,
TWC

Chocolate Chip Blondies (aka why my thighs are now the size of heifers)

OMG.

OH. EM. GEE.

These are SO. GOOD.

:D

You will need:
1/2 cup butter (1 stick) (use 1/4 cup if you like a brownie-texture instead of a fudge-texture)
1 cup brown sugar
1 egg
1 tsp vanilla
1/2 cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
Lots of chocolate chips.

STEPPAH HWUN
Butter. Saucepan. Cook on low. Stir stir stir.

STEPPAH TUHWOO
Brown sugar. Stir stir stir.

STEPPAH THUHREE
Remove from heat. Stir stir stir. Cool cool cool. (Mebbe 1 minute of cool time.)

STEPPAH FUHWOR
Add egg, add vanilla, beat it like the Jets in Shark territory.

STEPPAH FUHIVE
Add flour, baking powder & salt. Joy of Cooking wants me to sift but I didn't because THAT'S JUST HOW I ROLL.

STEPPAH SUHIX
Pour in as many chocolate chips as you want. Mix, fold, mix. Dump into well-greased baking pan, bake at 350 for 20 - 25 min (50 min if you used a whole stick of butter).

STEPPAH SEHEVEN
EAT EAT EAT NOM NOM NOM.

Pictures will be up as soon as my computer stops being an asshole.

<3,
TWC

I am a bad blogger.

Hello intar-webs.

Here is what I've made (and totally failed to share with you) recently:

1. Cake Pops. (For Maddie's birthday - YUM.) Recipe here. Obvs, I didn't make Halloween ones... I made octopus cake pops! ^_^


2. Chocolate Failure Pie. I made it and immediately contracted (contacted? shit, I always forget which word fits here) deathvirus o' DOOOOOM, thereby making it totally impossible to eat any sugar for like a week. Then I accidentally froze it solid and had to thaw it out. Also I ruined my mom's best saucepan. Oh, and by the time The Brother ate it, it had fermented. No, I'm not going to give you the recipe because trust me you do not want it.

I made the Brother pix message me when he ate the pie.


"It looka likea da poop."


"Ole poop."

This kid is crazy funny. Also, I am apparently 6 years old because I cannot stop laughing.

3. Cake pops again, for Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeve's engagement. :D
(They look like the cake pops above except in purple & white. Also, no octopi.)

4. Chocolate-chip Blondies. SUPER GOOD OMG. I forgot to take pictures :( But I'll post the recipe tomorrow. Or maybe Saturday. I promise.

5. Possibly something else? I forget. All the sugar is affecting my memory. ;)

<3,
TWC

Uh... hi.

I've been bad. I know. I swear I will be back next week with baking stuff... today I spent basically the whole day on this.

(If you have read all the Harry Potter books, click.)

Love,
TWC

This has nothing to do with food.

EXCUSE ME WHILE I RANT.

Jess Haines is one of my favorite new authors. Her first book came out a few months ago and it was FANTASTIC.

Here is the cover of her first book:



How frigging rad is that??

Here is the cover for the second book:



AUGH!!

Where did Shiarra go?? Why is she wearing a hooker-suit? Did she get a ton of cosmetic surgery all of a sudden? (Is she secretly a MAN, MAN???)

Here is what I see when I look at this:


Can we fix this somehow???

Edit: Okay, I've cooled down a little bit since first seeing this. Here's the thing: I think the color scheme is quite good, and the cover is eye-catching. If I was a new buyer, who had NEVER EVER read the first book, and I was looking for some nice UF smut, I would probably look at the back cover of this book. BUT. If I had read the first book, or didn't want a main character who was - for lack of a better word - gettin' some action (hurr hurr hurr)... I wouldn't TOUCH this. Honestly, the cover could be saved by a) fixing her man-jaw, and b) giving the woman some clothes.

We now return you to your regular programming.

Custard... Ew. (Late because I hate custard.)

I had a mother/daughter bonding day and we made custard.

Mmmm. Custard.

And by "Mmmm," I mean "OH GOD WHY??"

No, honestly, it's a good custard recipe, except for two things: Uno, I kind of sort of maybe burned the caramel. A lot. Dos, it turns out that I really dislike custard. Live and learn? Meh.

Well, if YOU happen to like custard, here's the recipe:

Use custard cups OR a glass pan-bowl-thing (mine is still at Jess' & McK's house from the smores bars).

For Custard with Caramel:
1/2 cup sugar for the caramel
2 egg yolks
3 eggs
3 cups "very hot" milk
Another 1/2 cup sugar for the custard
1/8 tsp salt
1 1/2 tsp vanilla
Nutmeg

STEP OOOOONE:
Make the caramel coating. Pour the 1/2 cup sugar into a heavy-bottomed skillet.


Turn the heat UUUUUUP (I had it on 5). Don't stir, but shake the skillet around so the sugar moves.


When it turns into caramel-looking goo...


...take it off (quick) and pour it into your custard-holding medium of choice. Swirl that shit around the bottom & sides quickly, or else it hardens.


DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE THAT I MADE AND COOK IT TOO LONG. ALSO NOTE THAT IT CONTINUES TO COOK IN THE SKILLET AFTER YOU REMOVE IT FROM THE BURNER SO MAKE HASTE. Unless, of course, you are partial to the taste of ass.


If it looks like this, START OVER.

STEP TWOOOOO:
Preheat the oven to 325. Or don't. See if I care. Then take the milk and make it hot. (We nuked it for 5 minutes, checking it every two minutes.)


STEP THREEEE:
While the milk is nuking, put all the eggs in a big bowl & beat them like they owe you money.




Add the other 1/2 cup sugar and mix that in too.


(Side note: THIS CONSISTENCY IS WEEEEEEIRD.)

STEP FOOOUR:
Slowly pour in the hot milk, stirring the whole time.

Pour too fast, BAM! Cooked eggs.

This part is good to have a helper for because srsly? Pouring hot milk from big bowl into other bowl + stirring = much spillage without help. Also, taking a picture of this was rough.

/end whining.



STEP FIIIIVE:
Add vanilla & mix.



STEP SIIIIIX:
Strain into your bowls/pan/whatever.


Sprinkle nutmeg on top.

STEP SEVENNN:
Fill up a pan with 1" hot water, put that in the oven.

Why?

Because I said so.

Now put your custard cups/pan/etc in the pan & close the oven.


Bake for 45 min & check if it's done. (It isn't.) Continue baking until it IS done. You know it's done when you insert a knife in the middle & it comes out clean.

STEP EIIIIGHT:
Refrigerate. Eat. Puke. Or give to someone who DOES like custard.


Ain't they cute?


Yyyyyyyyyyyyyeah, no.

<3,
TWC

Blueberry Muffin Madness!

Hallo intar-wubs!

I feel better. My last post was written in a cranky, sleep-deprived delirium. Yes, I realize I posted it at like 3:30, stfu.

Since that time, I have had some lunch (and some cheesecake and some muffins) and I feel better now. Also, I went shopping for baking paraphernalia YAY.

Okay, so as you know last week I was called out by McK and he ordered me to bake him some blueberry muffins. I, being the enter-pe-noor that I am, charged him $10. For 20 muffins. I am such a sucker.

BLUEBERRY MUFFIN MADNESS:
(recipe from allrecipes.com)

You will need:
4 cupps flour
4 tsp baking powder
1/2 tsp salt
1 cup softened butter or margarine
2 cups sugar
4 eggs
1 cup milk
2 tsp vanilla
2 cups frozen blueberries, unthawed

(OPTIONAL) FOR LE MUFFIN TOPPING:
2 tbsp sugar
1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

HOW TO MAKE MUFFINS OF WONDER AND DELIGHT*:

0. Preheat oven to 375 F.

1. Take flour, baking powder & salt, dump in bowl.


2. In a separate bowl, cream butter & sugar.

(My butter was frozen, so I cut it up into strips for easy creaming.)

Er... we may be having some technical difficulties here. See, I'm at Felder's folks' house today and there is a suspicious lack of butter/sugar creaming implement. Whatever it's called. Maybe a fork will work?

No.
How about a knife?

Nuh-uh.
Meat tenderizer?

Nyet.
Okay, time for drastic measures. Take off the rings, re-wash the hands... and knead.

Yep. Of course it worked.

3. Add eggs, milk & vanilla, mix well.




(Humor me and pretend that this is well mixed, okay? Thanks.)

4. Stir into dry ingredients until you have batter. Recipe says "until just moistened" but I kept thinking "oh good, I'm done" and then flipping over the dough and discovering a rich vein of pure flour right in the middle of my nice dough. So just use your judgment on this, I guess.)



Please try not to throw stones at me, the lighting is really awful in these.

5. Fold in frozen blueberries. Whatever that means. FYI - in case you haven't picked up on it by now, I don't know what I'm doing. If it looks right, then you probably did it right.


Perfect.

6. Put the batter in the paper cups (or I suppose directly in the baking pans if you like) (thought - it would be interesting to make muffins on a cookie tray. Like muffin bites. Mmm.)


7. Mix the topping together in a bowl and sprinkle over the muffins. Stick the muffins in the oven & cook for 20-25 min. Why? Cause I said. What? You wanna make something of it? PUNK?


Okay, you really can't see the topping on the muffinlets, but I swear it's there.



8. Devour, because OMG THESE ARE AMAZING MUFFINS. I gave a muffin to my FMFIL** & FFIL*** and they both had mouth-gasms. ^_____^


I made 23 muffins. OMG.

Side note: My FMFIL has a spectacularly clean and well-stocked kitchen and also these bowls. Are these not the most adorable mixing bowls you have ever seen???


It's a cow bowl. And the little stabilizing feet make it look like an udder. OMG. SO. CUTE.

Side side note: I took me way too long to write this because of YouTube. And music videos. And this song.

Side side side note: Maybe cheesecake next week? Y/N?

Side side side side note: The best part of baking is giving the product to someone else and seeing their reaction. This is sometimes the worst part of baking, too.

Side side side side side note: The Brother got a haircut. It's extreme and also intense. Not baking-related, but I'll post a pic soon.

*Also of blueberries. And possibly the devil because I cannot stop eating them.
**Future Felder In Law
***Future MomFelder In Law


<3,
TWC